Kindergarten

I’m missing you extra today. Sophie starts kindergarten tomorrow and whenever I think about it I want to cry.   It’s a combination of many things – I’m a little in denial that she is old enough to go. When I had little babies at home it was easier to deal with the fact that I won’t be having any more. As they grow up it seems like that hurt gets a little worse.   Also, I think about all the things she will miss doing with you. School lunch visits and programs, etc. etc. Dealing with little kids who don’t understand; saying she doesn’t have a daddy. (She actually handles this one really well. – But it is heartbreaking to me to hear her explain. – but I’m simultaneously so proud that she says without hesitation – Yes, I do have a daddy! His name is Brad and he is in heaven. He is hero and he loves me so much!)

I remember you coming to Ty’s school in your uniform with all your gear – for the Veteran’s Day Program. You made the kids laugh their heads off with your “red face”. I’m not sure what it’s called when you do that  g-force breathing , but it was a HIT.  You explained all about being a pilot and how planes fly. ( teachers afterward were talking about how you explained lift to them on their level SO well, they wanted you to come teach that unit for them.)

 I remember Ty sitting a little taller in her seat and being so proud of her cool daddy.  For some reason  the school memories with Ty  – choir concerts, plays, graduation ceremonies, awards programs, field day, ball games – are all stuck in my brain on repeat and It breaks my heart that Sophie won’t have that.

I know this day would be so fun for you. And I know that you will be right here with us. I know I need to get a grip and stop torturing myself with thoughts about all  Sophie will miss out on.  I know I need to stop being pissed that the school deleted all your info I wrote down on her registration card. (It didn’t seem right to leave you off, like you were some dead beat dad, when it asked for information about her father; so I put your information in and wrote deceased in place of a phone number.  – When they asked me to double check the info on Back To School night everything about you was deleted. I kindof wanted to go kick the secretary on the way out and ask her if it really would have been so difficult to Type Sophie’s Father’s name on that stupid little card…)

soooo…. obviously I’m struggling a bit with this one.

The funny thing is – I am a teacher by profession. Elementary.  I quit when Sophie was born.  I should be overjoyed at the thought of her going to school. I love school. I know she will love it.  (and with Addie in preschool I will actually have 2 hours of kid free time, 3 days a week. ) I won’t know what to do with myself! I’ve already got a to do list that would realistically take me about 5 years to complete that I will be working on during that time.

So there are some things that will be fun about it.  Sophie is so excited to go. and I really am excited for her too… I’m just sad about not sharing it with you.

I read this quote the other day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”

I guess it’s been raining.  And so I’ll just have to try to breathe,  resist the urge to kick the secretary, and wait this one out.